Lies, you were always told.

>“Everybody yearns to be free.”
On the contrary, most people prefer to charge for their services.

>“Beauty is only skin deep.”
The hell it is. Put that in your bank account the next time you don't get what you wanted because you have acne scars, buck teeth, a receding hairline, or are morbidly underweight. People who are attractive make more money, are more successful and are treated with more respect. The rest of us Average losers are shit out of luck.

> “Yes, I love you”
Let alone getting to listen this, even the thought that someone might actually love you is a fig of your amateur imagination.

>“Luck killed itself on 12/09/1988”
Wait a sec, this actually is true...how did it get into this list?

> "If you would be good and do good, good things will happen with you in return"
This is pure, unadulterated shit. The very dogma can weigh down upon itself and shove something up in the procees. If no one gives two hoots about you, then no good will ever happen with you. But you must continue being good and helpful coz that's the way to be a 10 on 10 loser.

>“You have a right to privacy.”
The existence of Privacy, like the existence of this author’s talent, healthy fast food, or Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, is a fairy tale. When a company employee claims he is collecting your personal data for "internal use only" and his company "does not share its customer list" with anyone, nothing could be farther from the truth.

>“Pappu can’t dance sala”
Ofcourse he can, he actually did and that too in that very song. What a waste of time!

>“Your dog went to a nice farm family.”
Your dog is dead. Your parents accidentally ran over him then lied about it to you.

>“If you work hard and are smart enough, you'll succeed.”
You'll only succeed at making someone else successful. And lose weight in the course.

>“The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.”
This is pure nonsense, as can clearly be demonstrated with an elementary Anatomy textbook. The statement is only somewhat true when viewed from below, somewhere around the pancreas. But who hangs out around the pancreas anyway? Just as I suspected.

>“Real men don't cry”
Real men do cry, sometimes. Anyone who says different is a dirty liar. For example, it's perfectly natural and expected to cry when the 6th string on your guitar snaps, a favorite television show goes off the air (if, only if, of course, that television show features home videos of animals jumping on trampolines or rocket powered home appliances), or if the sheer weight of life weighs down upon you in a torrential downpour of existential anguish [It just happened with me, don’t you laugh, dumb]. In these cases it is perfectly OK to cry, and that's the truth.

>“There’s a black cat on the top floor.”
Don’t stare at me like that, I was always told this by my grandmother.

>“War is not the answer.”
War is often the answer to many questions. For example, "What do the letters 'W', 'A', and 'R', spell, when placed in that order?” Or, "Was the Kargil Conflict more like a war or a 3-ring circus?

>“You can't judge a book by it’s cover.”
Should the book display all the contained content on its cover, or should it contain a judgment of the contents contained within, you can, in fact, judge it by its cover. Also if it's written by Dan Brown.

>“Practice makes a man perfect.”
In the process of practicing, one may break a bone, especially if one is practicing breaking a bone. This may seem like good practice, but that's an amateur mistake.

>“People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.”
People in glass houses are very much encouraged to throw stones if either:
A) They have a fetish for broken glass
B) They are, in fact, trapped in the glass house with no way out other than the stones which have been carelessly left on the ground by the bollywood villians who trapped them
or C) The glass contains a picture of Rakhi Sawant on it. OK, that last one was just for fun.

>“I can be your hero baby.”
HAHAHAHhehhhehehahahhaooooooohhahahahahh, Sure you can but NO ONE WANTS YOU TO BE!! GET LOST!!

Did someone say...research??

There is much about the universe which is unknown.

This is commonly viewed as a good thing by most international businesses, who prefer the world to remain in ignorance as it makes it easier to manipulate. Unfortunately, human babies, unlike me, are born with a desire to explore and understand their surroundings; a sense of curiosity which is satisfied only after complete stimulation of all the senses. Since this stimulation normally involves an examination, copious amounts of LSD and complete domination of the resources, population and intellectual property of the known universe, most humans die with their curiosity left intact. And this isn't that happy a thing to smile about, shut your trap.

To balance the gap between ignorance and knowledge, businesses will occasionally pay scientists to carry out research. A Research Scientist spends much of his time searching for common links between the known universe and the goals of his sponsor. When a link is found, a theory is drafted which postulates that the sponsor's goals will be good for consumers as
individuals, or for Mankind in general. An experiment is devised which will prove beyond reasonable doubt that the theory is true. This allows the business to obtain government grants, the endorsement of environmental organisations such as those sundry NGOs, and 10% of the GDP of the Northern Hemisphere as profit on purchase of their products.

This would, of course, work a lot better if human beings were remotely interested in purchasing things which were good for them or the rest of the world. Some of the most successful companies to date are those which produce small tin boxes that move at incredibly high speeds while polluting the environment. Uncommonly known as 'cars'. This easily proven fact was
itself used to prove a theory regarding the inherent suicidal tendencies of humanity in the current times, resulting in the purchase of seventy thousand half-litre bottles of that most annoying health drink, nine hundred and sixty razor blades and a himesh reshamiya album.

No one has yet contrived a theory which could support the purchase of Research Scientists. From this fact it is easy to deduce that any government, business or academic institution funding research is itself part of a far greater experiment.

Research can often cause problems in work situations. Just like in case when people won't stop. As seen in the self confession by Al gore, in 'an inconvenient truth' he goes on to narrate "i have shown this slide-show for at least a 1000 times, but i have failed to transmit the message across" This further goes on to prove that repition isn’t a thing which may result in Proper/desired results. Though for some inexplicable reasons, alcohol can do that for you.

Lazyness......explained

Laziness is a favorite Indian pastime. It originally became a problem some time after your grandparents were your age. Because, before that it wasn’t hypocritically frowned upon.
The way to play Lazy is simple. Everything you need to do it is right at your fingertips.
First, get into a horizontal position.
Next, refuse to do anything yourself.
Third, refuse to refuse yourself refusing yourself refusing to doing anything yourself(if you just read all of this without getting someone to do it for you, lazy just isn't a game you are good at. Stop reading)
This is the simplest form of being lazy.

However, judges award more points for laziness if you also start off with a banana, making someone else skin it down for you. Bonus points are awarded for getting somebody to get the TV remote for you. This is a classic.

One must prepare for optimum laziness. You should get yourself a laptop, a portable fridge, a remote, and a servant. If you live in a hostel like me and don't have a servant, an annoying roommate will do. If at any time you realize that something you are doing could be done by someone else, give up immediately. Though, it deserves a mention, that my roommate is my all time fav lazy dude. He once was too lazy to lookup at his computer screen while lie down on his bed so he wanted me to send him the link instead. It just is unimaginable that how can he be so creative, oh I love him!
Most importantly, don't try too hard! Laziness will come to you!

Laziness is a very ‘kinda there’ kind of issue. It is not your fault, neither mine that we have ample of it inside ourselves. It’s a scientific thingy actually. Don’t you believe me? Wait I’ll prove it using your physics concepts. Yeah the same you learned in the beginning of your 11th Std. See, what I think is that laziness is the force that opposes the act of work. The word "friction" is often substituted for the word laziness in science, especially physics. There currently is no such thing as a "frictionless substance" because every substance in the universe is inherently lazy. This laziness comes from potential energy that all objects have but don't necessarily use. All objects have the potential to do work, even if they are at rest. (i.e. I have the potential to write intelligent things in here, but I prefer being at rest). If someone were to push a box horizontally along a surface, they would have to overcome the box's laziness, their laziness, and the surface's laziness. The reasons there is "friction" is because the person is too lazy to overcome the combined laziness of the box and the surface. Besides, boxes do not like being moved, so naturally they are lazy to move about. Surfaces also do not like having things moved across them so they are lazy to impede motion. Human beings are inherently lazy. These combined lazy forces, coupled with the nuisance "gravity" and the questionable desire to move boxes makes it practically impossible to completely overcome laziness.
Now I am way too lazy to write even a word more…..azzzzzzzzZZZZZ.